This Brain-Eating Amoeba Almost Killed Him After He Snorted Lake Water

This is Billy. Billy likes to travel. Billy also likes to make decisions that his mother would describe as bold, his father would describe as unnecessary, and his doctor would describe as, "Oh, dear God, please don't touch that water!!!"

Billy has been to 27 countries. Some people collect postcards. Billy collects parasites he doesn't know about yet. Billy is the kind of guy who sees a sign that says do not swim here and thinks they're probably talking to someone else. He's also the kind of guy who says things like, "If the locals do it, it must be safe," right before doing something the locals definitely do not do."

This particular adventure took place somewhere warm, beautiful, and full of microorganisms just waiting to moonwalk into your brain. Billy saw a lake. Billy thought, "Perfect." Billy jumped in. The amoeba also jumped in, except it used his nose as the front entrance, like it owned the place. Billy wakes up with the kind of headache that feels like a tiny construction crew is jackhammering his brain. He thinks it's dehydration or jet lag or karma.

Billy takes an ibuprofen, drinks some water, and continues his day like his central nervous system isn't being lightly seasoned by a microscopic monster. He eventually decides to visit the emergency room. Why? Because his symptoms have upgraded from mild inconvenience to "I hate everything and everyone!!!!!"

He walks in and says, "Hi, I have a headache." And the triage nurse looks at him the way triage nurses do. A perfect combination of sympathy, exhaustion, and "God damn it, I should have done OnlyFans." Billy now has a fever, a stiff neck, nausea, and a vague sensation that his brain might actually be dissolving. Which fun fact is exactly what the amoeba is doing because Billy has managed to pick up Naegleria fowleri, the rare flesh-eating amoeba that treats your brain like an all-you-can-eat buffet. The ER doctor comes in. This doctor has seen things. He has aged 14 years during his 8-year residency. He is tired. He listens to Billy's story. The travel, the lake, the headache, and his face enters a new dimension of concern. Doctor says something like, "So, just to confirm, you went swimming in that water?" Billy nods. "And you sniffed it?" Billy nods again. The doctor closes his eyes, not in judgment, not in disappointment, but in the medical version of "Oh my ***** God."

The doctor explains, "Billy, you may have Naegleria fowleri, a rare amoeba that enters through the nose, travels up the olfactory nerve, and starts feasting on your brain." Billy responds with, "So, you're saying it's not ideal?" Correct, Billy. It is extremely, aggressively, enthusiastically not ideal. Now everyone in the ER is suddenly moving fast. Alarms, IVs, special medication. Billy feels like he's in the season finale of Grey's Anatomy, except no one is attractive and everyone looks like they've slept 3 hours this week. They did, actually. Yeah. [ __ ] the ER, man.

The team throws every treatment at him that modern medicine allows because Naegleria is rare, like win the lottery type of rare. Billy, for the first time in his life, wishes he liked indoor activities like knitting or taxes, or something. I don't know. By some combination of aggressive treatment, Billy's immune system waking up and choosing violence, and sheer cosmic luck, Billy actually improves. Slowly. By day five, he can sit up. By day seven, he can eat pudding. By day 10, he tells his nurse, "I'm never swimming again." The nurse looks at him and says, "I don't give a @*=)#."

Billy eventually recovers, mostly intact. He returns home with a few new scars, a medical bill larger than the GDP of a small country, and a deep personal hatred for warm, fresh water. His friend asks, "So, where's your next trip?" Billy says, "Uh, the bathtub with chlorine.

So, what have we learned? First, don't swim in sketchy water. Second, don't snort sketchy water. And third, don't be Billy. And if you must be Billy, at least buy travel insurance.